~Before I begin this letter, I want you to know that the reason why I’m sharing this with you is because I feel that I have to be completely honest about something that’s very personal to me. Originally, I wanted to tell you, but I just did not feel comfortable and I did not trust you enough. But, I can not keep this from you any longer. I hope after I explain this that you can understand why I did so~ The past two years of my life have been filled with extreme hardship. Although I have had positive things take place in my life, the bad always seems to outweigh the good. When I was going out with Lamar, my high school fling, a gynecologist in Newburgh told me that I had Abnormal Cells and she needed to take a closer look at them.
She said not to worry, but that it crucial that she did a procedure to examine the cells carefully because if she didn’t, I could possibly develop Cancer in my Cervix. During this time, mind you, I was having unprotected sex with Lamar and he was the first boy I did that with. This “careful” procedure (known as a biopsy, colposcopy-not really sure how to spell this one) that she performed was one of the most uncomfortable things I ever had to go through. It involves doing something, that makes you feel like you have bad period cramps without having your actual period. After doing this close examination, I did not hear anything again from this doctor until about a year later, which at that time, I considered them incompetent. Before I went away to college, I went to the city to visit my mother’s GYN for a regular pap smear.
She then wrote to me in college telling me that my cells were abnormal and that I needed to take some medication (basically this crap that I had to stick up in my conchie). She also told me that I needed to come in so she could do another check-up. So I took the medicine thinking (or rather hoping) that it would clear up whatever was going on down there. I went the GYN in early October.
There, she told me that the pap in August should cells of H P V, a sexually transmitted disease, that if left untreated, could cause Cancer. She said she needed to do a second round pap to confirm it. Well sure enough by the end of the month she confirmed it, and I needed to have ANOTHER biopsy in November. The day I went for this biopsy was eleven days after I got the news of my friend being murdered and four days after seeing her mutilating body at her funeral.
In my mind, I thought I would be alone for the rest of my life. I could not image myself ever having an intimate relationship with anyone EVER again. I didn’t trust anyone, and I could not image another person’s reaction to my situation. It was a tough time for me, to say the least.
After going through this painful procedure, I was told that I needed to have surgery to get “rid” of it. What she told me was that since it is a virus, it will always be in my system, however, antibodies will fight against it and it eventually burns out- no pun intended. So my surgery was scheduled on December 31, 2004 (Happy fucking New Year for me). She said it went well and she got everything out.
After the surgery, I could not run track for a month, which sucked because track was my outlet at a school that I hated. After going for a pap smear in March to check the status, it came back clear. Everything was GREAT! ! ! Life for me started going back to normal. I began to have a different perspective on relationships and thought that God had a little mercy left for me. And then I met you.
(what are the chances of that! ) For obvious reasons, you could see why I was apprehensive about wanted to have sex. I felt like if I didn’t do it the first time, I would have been contradicting myself based on my actions and then I thought if I didn’t continue having sex with you, you wouldn’t want to talk to me anymore. Now being the strong, independent person that I am, I’m surprised that I felt this way. However, after feeling like I could be with anyone again, I felt like I should be lucky to have someone semi-interested in me.
I wanted to tell you so bad. I actually sent you a text message a couple of days after we did it saying that there were some things I needed you to know about me, verbatim. You called me back after receiving that, but I didn’t know what and how to say it. I called Racquel and asked her what I should do. I came to the conclusion that it was too early and I didn’t really know you like that to be sharing something so personal, especially since my GYN said everything was good. Well, when I went to the GYN a couple of weeks ago, she did that same painful procedure just to make sure that see didn’t see anything trying to form again.
Yesterday, she told me that I needed to have surgery again, although this time she said it is not nearly as extensive as it was before. There was nothing that she could have said that would have made me feel good about the situation… I cant image what is going through your head, but I can only speculate based on what I would think if I were you… do I have it? Will I get Cancer…
will my dick fall off? Well if you were thinking that, I have the answers. Males do not have to have surgery, they don’t even have to be checked… know why? … because Males don’t know that they have it.
I found out that there is no way a guy can find out that he is a carrier of this disease. That is why it is the most common STD and I believe 80% of sexually active males in a certain age bracket carry it. Pretty scary… The only way you could tell if you carry it is if you have sex with a virgin and she ends up with HPV-Abnormal Cells.
(whats the chances of that nowadays)… AND, if a guy does carry it, he can spread it to a girl with a condom because it can be on the base of his penis! ! ! I had NO IDEA of how I was going to tell you about my condition, but perhaps me needing surgery did it. I would NEVER want to hurt you James, I my intention was not to put you at risk. For that, I am completely and genuinely sorry, however I know my apology must be useless now. Last night was so tough for me. I really questioned life and its meaning…
I really do feel like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Im not trying to get any sympathy points, I just want you to take a look at it from my side. I felt like I was getting another chance at life and now its gone. The surgery is like a reminder that this thing will ALWAYS be with me, and if you decided to have nothing to do with me, it will still be here for me to cope with. Now you can see why I have TRUST issues with people and why I would get upset with you when you didn’t trust me. I felt like, if I could trust after going through this shit what the fuck is his problem.
Maybe you are just special, perhaps I was desperate, or a combination of the two. All I know is that if you do decide to continue a relationship with me, you need to know everything and I need to be honest with you. And if you don’t, then you should still know about this for your own sake. This is by far the hardest thing a person can share with someone, and again I hope you can understand with I was apprehensive about the whole thing.